Who Wears Which Lei at a Hawaiian Wedding?
In the wedding lei, or lei male [LEH-ee MAH-leh], There is really no such thing as “a man’s lei” or “a woman’s lei.” Men often will wear a larger, heavier lei. Women often will wear a more delicate and more fragrant lei. But there are no hard and fast rules. Ideally, the couple will select lei which have meaning for themselves. One way to have a harmonious look, but maintain individuality, is for the bride and groom both to wear lei maile, but to wili (wind) other lei, such as `ilima for the groom and pīkake or tuberose for the bride.
Lei Maile
Probably the lei most associated with weddings is the lei maile. It’s heady scent evokes images of romance, and indeed, throughout Hawaiian history, myth, and legend, it is associated with courtship and romance.
Today, due to deforestation, habitat loss, and over-harvesting, maile is becoming more rare. Excellent substitutes are the lei lāʻ ī and the lei lauaʻ e.
Often, both the bride and groom will wear maile or lei lāʻ ī, either alone or with floral lei kui intertwined. Sometimes only the bride will add a floral lei. Sometimes the bride will wear a fragrant floral lei intertwined with the maile, and the groom will wear `ilima intertwined with his lei maile.
For some ʻ ōhana, the custom is to wear the lei open during the ceremony and, after the consecration, to tie the lei closed.
In legend, the Maile Sisters act as go-betweens, enticing sweethearts to meet by luring them with fragrance.
There are many varieties of maile, each with a subtly unique fragrance. Among them are maile lau li`i, the small leafed maile; maile lau nui, the large leafed maile; maile kaluhea, considered especially fragrant; maile haʻ īwale, which is somewhat brittle; and the maile pāhaka, a branching variety.
Maile or lei lāʻ ī also is generally provided for the kahu or minister who performs the ceremony.
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Floral Lei
Niʻihau Lei
The pūpū o Niʻihau are so highly prized, that they occupy the same sartorial plane as pearls and other gem stones. If the ʻohana is so fortunate as to have lei from Niʻihau, the wedding attire may even be designed specifically to set it off!
Mele Lei
A song can also be a lei, and a very ancient tradition is to compose, or have a song composed, for the bride and for the groom. These personal songs are special gifts, and considered to be a lei of affectionate words strung on a thread of melody and rhythm. Examples of Mele Lei are the Kimo Henderson Hula, E Maliu Mai, Ka Manu, and Ka Ipo Lei Manu are classic mele lei.
Some Lei Customs, Traditions, and Tips
- Do not give a lei hala to the bride and groom, unless it has special meaning for their ʻohana. For example, if they are from Puna, then that is a special lei for them. But otherwise, “hala” means “to release.” You certainly don’t want them to release their affection or bond! However, at the bachelor party, a lei hala would be good to encourage releasing the old single life and moving into the new life!
- If the bride is hapai (pregnant), only give her open lei. A closed lei is felt to be inauspicious for the baby, representing the cord tangling the baby’s neck.
- Be sure that the lei will not stain the wedding garments. Jade vine and some other blossoms will stain, and many lei will stain when wet. Remove the lei from the container and let it air dry before wearing.
- The kahu or other officiant should be provided with a lei maile.
- Make sure the lei which have been selected do not trigger allergies or sensitivities in members of the wedding party.
Hawaiian Weddings
In ancient times, there was no ceremony comparable to the modern wedding. Marriage, as it is known in the Western World today, did not exist. There was no government licensing, no legal requirements, and no divorce – if a couple decided that their relationship was no longer productive, they simply parted ways. As children were reared by the entire extended family, there was little disruption in the life of the youngsters.
The maka`ainana, the common people, had traditions which varied from island to island, district to district, and family to family. Pairing could be as simple as deciding to share a sleeping mat and start a family, or as elaborate as the two families getting together, exchanging gifts, and singing as the couple retires to bed. As the house generally was the woman’s property, to separate, the man’s belongings might simply be removed from the home. Today, we know these kinds of common-law marriages as noho pu.
Royalty had far more elaborate ceremony when pairing off, though it was not intended to confirm a marriage in the western sense. The ceremony was to ask the blessing of the gods on the children of a royal union, to assure that they were born with perfect bodies and minds, and great mana, or spiritual power. Again, ceremonies varied according to locale and family, and could be as simple as the royal couple being escorted to their new sleeping hale and wrapped together in a sheet of pure white kapa with their family priests and chanters offering prayer and song for the union and offspring, to elaborate ceremonies of several days length involving hundreds of the courts’ priests and chanters, relatives, and interested parties. These ceremonies are sometimes called ho`ao.
After the introduction of Christianity in 1819, the Christian style wedding was adopted by many families and eventually became the legal form. The term is simply transliterated from the English word “marry” – male pronounced [MAH-lay].
Feeding each other cake, poi, or anything else, symbolizes that the couple will nurture each other through life, and HOW they do so on the wedding day is considered a symbol of how they will do so in the future. Mashing cake into each other’s faces is considered in very poor taste, and taken as a symbol of serious future problems in the marriage!
While there was no such thing as cake in ancient Hawai`i, haupia, a coconut pudding, has been a popular treat here for over 1,000 years. Today, haupia cake is an island favorite, and very appropriate for weddings. In the most simple recipe, a coconut-flavored white cake is made, and coated with the haupia pudding, and often decorated with fresh island flowers and ferns.
Hawaiian Wedding Music
Music is an integral part of Hawaiian culture, and whether the celebration is an informal ceremony in a family’s back yard or a formal ceremony in St Andrew’s Cathedral, music will be an important part of a Hawaiian wedding. Traditional songs include Lei Aloha Lei Makamae, E Maliu Mai, and Ke Kali Nei Au. Of course, any song which has special meaning for the bride and groom, Hawaiian or not, should be included! Get to know the different musicians so you can plan your music with someone who understands your ideas. Hawaiian musicians often are booked far in advance, so schedule early.
Many local musicians provide wonderful music for Hawaiian weddings. Manu Josiah, Ben Ka`ili, Braddah Waltah Aipolani, and Keoki Kahumoku all play traditional and contemporary Hawaiian music.
Manu frequently performs with his wife, kumu hula Leilehua Yuen. The couple’s repertoire ranges from kahiko (ancient style), to 20th century classics, to 21st century original compositions.
Braddah Waltah Aipolani, in addition to playing more traditional Hawaiian music, is also known as the “Father of Hawaiian Reggae.”
`Ohe hano Ihu
A delightful Hawaiian courtship custom dating from ancient times is the playing of the `ohe hano ihu, the Hawaiian nose flute. Originally, the flute would be crafted by a young man and played to court the object of his affections. Today, a number of Hawaiian artisans make Hawaiian flutes which can be purchased in fine art galleries and on-line. Among them is Manu Josiah, a Kanaka Maoli (Native Hawaiian) musician and artist who performs on Moku Hawai`i.
Heritage
Many people find that planning for their wedding inspires them to delve more deeply into their heritage. People who do not already know their moʻokūʻauhau (genealogy) or have a koihonua (genealogical chant) may take this opportunity to research their family line, and craft a chant.
Weddings are an opportunity to strengthen family bonds, and to extend them. Modern DNA testing can be part of that exploration. Follow your DNA as it guides you through your past and leads you to your future. It all begins with one simple test. Shop Now
For Native Hawaiians, some may be interested in exploring finding a place to begin their new lives through Hawaiian Home Lands. To do so, one must have 50% Native Hawaiian ancestry. Currently, DNA testing can only determine a person has Polynesian ancestry. The database is not yet large enough to differentiate between Hawaiian, Maori, Samoan, or other Polynesians. Testing for Hawaiian ancestry is done through matching to relatives who are of documented Hawaiian ancestry.
Selecting a Kahu (Officiant)
Kahu, ministers and wedding officiants, in Hawai`i are available to perform ceremonies ranging from interdenominational or non-sectarian to very traditional ceremonies from virtually any faith you can think of. It is important that your kahu be in tune with your beliefs and needs. Contact different kahu and get to know them before making a final selection.
Kumu Leilehua Yuen is licensed to officiate weddings and civil unions in the state of Hawai`i. She is honored to help couples create a personal ceremony which is a true expression of their unique love for each other. Kumu Leilehua can officiate ceremony in both English and Hawaiian. She may be contacted at leilehua@leimanu.com, or by telephone at 1-808-895-0850.
Click here for Hawai`i State Government information on Marriages
Hawaiʻi for your Destination Wedding
Hawaiʻi is world renowned for destination weddings. To have the best possible experience takes knowledge and planning. Join the conversation on Quora – Destination Weddings.
